Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Things. Random things.

There are things that happen that make you wonder if you are actually on the same planet you were on yesterday.

This last week has been a lot like that. I burst into tears reading the subject of an advertising email about fathers day. When fathers day actually got here.... nothing. Perhaps it was because I was so wound up about it but I kinda flat lined on it. I did have another gut wrenching family event. It tore my heart out and I am not quite sure where that is going to sit with me.

I have been stressed beyond comprehension. I have worried about anything and everything and tried to keep all my bases covered and plans planned. Tiny things set me off in a panic and there doesn't seem to be a lot of rhyme or reason to it, other than change. Certain things, not everything, need to be set in stone. I cannot, rather am not coping with any changes in plans that are a 'threat' to my ability to know the how, when and where of my own movements.

Am I going to x? If I am how am I getting there? What if things don't quite work out the way they are currently laid out? Should I pack A, H and Q now so I don't forget? Should I just make a list and then I will know what I am and am not supposed to take? Should I just give in to this insanity and go and do all those nutty packing things? and which bag am I packing?!?!?!

You get the idea...

I feel kind of okay. Not dropping my bundle all day everyday. I think 'Oh I don't need these antidepressants anymore" and then without days my world goes to pot and I am in that place where I know if I didn't have the chemical safety net, I could be in a very bad place. For now I'll keep going with it and see how it all works out. I have no intention of being on these long term and would like to be off them as soon as I can possibly manage it.

This is random and jumping all over the place and probably difficult to read. I'm just running where my brain goes at the moment.

There have been some great achievements as well. I have finished some of these courses and finished some early with pretty reasonable results. I completed one of my many #Because I Said I Would projects. 25 bags of unneeded clothing and manchester packed up and delivered to life line. There are a few more bags at Dads house but There will be more there so we'll wait til we are done with that before shipping them off.

I am questioning myself and where I am going from here. Right now I cannot see myself going back to University. If I do, I'm not sure I can study a science degree. I'm not sure I can wrap my head around it enough. May be I should be studying something else, if at all. I'm pretty lost in all of it right now.

I am looking forward to my time in Melbourne and Sydney. I am feeling guilty for having so much time away. I think part of that is that I usually only go for a week and usually not trips that are so close together, I was only in Melbourne a few weeks ago. I feel like I am somehow cheating the boys out of that time. I think part of it is that I am so used to thinking about what is happening with Dad, who will be keeping and eye on him and how lonely he will be.

On the other hand I will get to complete the second part of my three part, pre op life goal. I will be climbing the Sydney Harbour Bridge. I climbed the Story Bridge earlier this year. The third of three is obviously another bridge climb. The last one is in Auckland. The three climbable bridges in the southern hemisphere, and the world (last I checked)

Story Bridge Climb
Sydney Harbour Bridge Climb
Auckland Bridge Climb

I am also having coffee meets with some of my fellow brain tumour survivors. I am not sure what is happening with the Sydney meet as one of the gentlemen who was going to be there passed away quite recently. I am becoming the 'Survivor Coffee Meet Queen' I organised the one in Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney and there will be another on the Sunshine Coast. There was also a brief one at the Brisbane airport with one of the ladies from Holland! 

As you can see, I'm a bit all over the place and finding it hard to sort the things out from the other things, it isn't easy right now for me to be able to take that step back or out and see the bigger picture. Right now it is all 'in my face' and raw.

If you made it this far you are a champion and deserve recognition!