Thursday, October 28, 2010


I've been taking them for forever, so has my dad. 

My Mum wanted a new family portrait done a few years ago before she died and we never managed to get it done. Between Mum and dad, my brothers and their partners we didnt seem tot be able to find a time that suited everyone. I have been thinking about getting one done but keep putting it off, I don't like having my photo taken because I don't think I look any good in them, I have a crooked smile, and I still need to lose weight.... I can come up with a million other reasons if you give me enough time. Tonight I fell over this post and now I think I deserve a king sized arse kicking. Going on my xmas wish list will be "family portrait". If it is just Kim, James and I, I will be happy with that, it doesn't have to be the extended family. Matthew hasn't made so much as a phone call in over 18 months so I don't think he wants to be in a photograph with us :(  Prue and Kaitlin have only just come back into our lives and are very skitish so again... doubtful. So just the 3 of us may be....

Friday, October 22, 2010


head hurty 
so very over feeling like yuck 
want it fixed please

Thursday, October 21, 2010

RAGE *angry post warning*

I am so incredibly furious! Irresponsible judgemental reporters strike again! I would like to take one Alister Thomson for a long walk through a dark forest. Luckily it's and 8 hour drive away and I'm not allowed to drive.

Hot on the heels of my mothers death, in August 2008 my cousin lost 2 of her 3 children in a house fire which was started by one of her 3 children (all under 4 years old). It was catastrophic. They lost their home, two children (aged 3 and 18 months) and had the reporters in their faces from the very start. We had to keep everything under wraps including the times and location of the funeral so that they would not know where it was and show up. 

Fast forward to October 5th 2010. The inquest has begun and some two bit reporter decides to write an article about my cousins family. its horribly slanted and basically blames her for their deaths as she was suffering from depression! At the bottom of the article is an advertisement!!! 

Beyond blue
This month is “Anxiety and Depression Awareness” month
An initiative by “Beyond Blue”, it aims to raise awareness and reduce the stigma
Over a million people in Australia live with depression
Over two million have an anxiety disorder
More information can be found at

I am sick with rage at the way this JERK has failed to deal with this issue with any kind of respect or compassion!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Three holes in the ground

 First it was international pregnancy and infant loss day (October 15th) That lead to another support group and feeling somewhat out of place. I always feel a bit square peg/round holey. It's been a little over a year now since I lost our last baby. There were tears and sniffles and lit candles. Too many babies never held in my arms, and missing those who were held in my arms and have left my home. 

Saturday was a day of new things. The owner came a fixed the front stairs and landing as he said he would. Miraculous in itself. I also potted billions of tiny flowers. I needed to get my hands dirty, much about in the earth and do something that was creative in another way.

Sunday brought the after effects of the sunburn from Saturday :) Seems there was as gap between my hat and my shirt. We are reclaiming part of the front "garden" and turning it back into a garden. I had planned to slay "medusa" the overgrown beastly weed down the side but will leave that until Wednesday. Not feeling terribly up to it today. 

Looking forward to a new week and the possibilities it brings 

Friday, October 15, 2010

Catch Up


Miss T has caused enough chaos in my life in the last week and half to 2 weeks now that the " I look after her before and after school" deal has now been axed ahead of time. We had planned to hold out until the end of the year but she (and her parental units) couldn't behave themselves so. No dice. I don't need the stress. After tomorrow morning she will not be my problem any more. Honestly it bothers me that I had/have more concern for her than her parents did/do but I cant be responsible for her. I may have been involved with her since before her birth but she is not my child. 

In other news, despite cut roads, 2 year plus out of date paperwork, and other pixies doing their level best to trip me up, I have managed to send off my scans and paperwork to the Wizard of OZ! Now we play the waiting game and see what he has to say about it all. Its been a roller coaster so far and I suspect it will continue to be so for a while yet. I have been a little nutty with it. Trying to stay positive while not getting my hopes up too much and battling the inevitable fear and doubts. The best one yet has been the little voice in my head that told me I didn't deserve the surgery and was wasting the wizards time. That lil voice got a good solid butt kicking.  Depression is a bastard and something that comes wit the territory . It can be a tough thing to deal with sometimes.
When I saw the doc on Monday I got my blood results back and most of them had gone from not so great to pretty fantastic, so I'm doing something right! Win on that front. There are some things that haven't improved as much as they need to but I cant quite work miracles :) I'm working on it though! Shall continue to do what I have been and implement the new suggestions. Dietician Dan was also very impressed and happy with me. I'll not ever be a 1kg a week person, but I'm doing the best I'm going to do and that fine. Back to see Dan in December.
Walking is getting a bit tough with all the rain and flooding going on so I am doing it in the house....... going a bit crazy. I really really really think I will have to get a treadmill and soon :)

so that's about it for now........ apart from planning a trip to India and dreaming big for after my brain gets fixed!

Friday, October 8, 2010

Bombay TV

I used to play with Bombay TV when i was bored a few years ago. It is still around and still fun :)

LAWN carebears are chasing me!
One is Mower and one is Gnome,
One is peeing on my home!
Now I'm surely on the run,
Cos the small one has a gun!

I made this in response to the recent logo farce I posted about earlier :) 

Thursday, October 7, 2010


 I have now made 2 million steps since may 28th. That is about 1605 kms. Bloody long way when you think about it. Where to from here? 3 million of course! 3 million steps and the the next "ichallenge". Keeping my motivation up, my stress levels down and trying not to worry about not losing weight "fast enough" or "as fast as other people". I'm not like other people, we are all different :) I am not going to a gym or taking weight loss drugs nor have I had surgery to help me out. I have a lump in my head that makes it hard to exercise, an arthritis that makes me really not want to move. Not defeated, still going, just reminding myself why I am where I am at and why others are fly past me. I'm in the slow lane but I've not stopped.

There has been a heap of stuff around lately about depression and suicide. This is one of my ways of venting I guess. Also of reminding myself that I'm doing MY best. That I'm not failing and that that little voice that sometimes tells me things at crap and that I suck... is wrong. I have spent the last few days holding other people together. One was on the verge of disaster. It has really brought a lot of things home for me. If nothing else, what a very long way I have come from breakdown land and the psych ward! Those days are long behind me now but I still remember that feeling of complete all encompassing despair, the terror and the absolute loneliness. Hearts and human emotion is a fragile thing. At any age it is something not to be trifled with.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Life, the Universe and Everything

On September 29th (2 days ago) the day passed as any other day for the rest of the world. For me it was a day of mixed emotion. It was the day I sent the email to the Wizard of Oz asking him to consider looking at my case. Apart from the emails I had to write notifying overseas family and friends of my mothers death, that was one of the most difficult emails I've ever had to write.

That same day was the 1st anniversary of the loss of our last child. My youngest son was here and had no idea, He played his games all day. Hubsand worked overtime until very late as he has been doing for the last two weeks. It was a very lonely day. I had a lot of time to think about things. I have two step daughters, two sons, and a step granddaughter.

My step daughters were a big part of my life until their mother panicked and fled with them. I didnt stop loving them, missing them or thinking about them. We have found them again with our beautiful granddaughter.  We have met up with one of the girls but not the other, neither have we met our granddaughter. My eldest son chose to leave us and go to live with his father a year and half ago and not see us anymore. I hurt to let him go. I miss him, I love him and I think about him always. A little over a year ago I fell pregnant with what would have been our fifth child, unfortunately it wasn't to be. I miss her, love her and think of her often. James is still with us. He has grown into a wonderful young man in the last 18 months. One day he will grow up and leave home. It won't be for some years yet but it's not too far away either. I love him, I will miss him and will think of him often.

I have learned that this is all part of being a mother and growing up. Its letting go of the ones you love and allowing them to go and make their own lives, mistakes, loves and dreams. It makes your heart ache, and sing and soar and bleed. It's the lonely part of being a parent. 

Friday, October 1, 2010

The Wizard of Oz

 He wants to see my scans! and "If surgery is an option, we will contact you via the contact details provided by you to arrange an appointment for proper and full assessment."