Saturday, October 2, 2010

Life, the Universe and Everything

On September 29th (2 days ago) the day passed as any other day for the rest of the world. For me it was a day of mixed emotion. It was the day I sent the email to the Wizard of Oz asking him to consider looking at my case. Apart from the emails I had to write notifying overseas family and friends of my mothers death, that was one of the most difficult emails I've ever had to write.

That same day was the 1st anniversary of the loss of our last child. My youngest son was here and had no idea, He played his games all day. Hubsand worked overtime until very late as he has been doing for the last two weeks. It was a very lonely day. I had a lot of time to think about things. I have two step daughters, two sons, and a step granddaughter.

My step daughters were a big part of my life until their mother panicked and fled with them. I didnt stop loving them, missing them or thinking about them. We have found them again with our beautiful granddaughter.  We have met up with one of the girls but not the other, neither have we met our granddaughter. My eldest son chose to leave us and go to live with his father a year and half ago and not see us anymore. I hurt to let him go. I miss him, I love him and I think about him always. A little over a year ago I fell pregnant with what would have been our fifth child, unfortunately it wasn't to be. I miss her, love her and think of her often. James is still with us. He has grown into a wonderful young man in the last 18 months. One day he will grow up and leave home. It won't be for some years yet but it's not too far away either. I love him, I will miss him and will think of him often.

I have learned that this is all part of being a mother and growing up. Its letting go of the ones you love and allowing them to go and make their own lives, mistakes, loves and dreams. It makes your heart ache, and sing and soar and bleed. It's the lonely part of being a parent.