Wednesday, September 17, 2014

3 years 7 months

Things have been a little odd.

Number one - I started pottering around in Mum’s jewellery box and had a bit of a twilight zone thing going on. Some of our jewellery is very similar and some identical. See rotten phone pics below.

 Mine are on the outside. Mums are in the middle

Mine is the blue one

Mums on the right

Mine is on the left

Mums is on the left

Mums is on the right

Number two – I posted a link to the Eumundi Community Fundraiser Concert being held on October 24th. A beautiful talented young lady I have known since she was born will be opening for Katie Noonan. One of my brain buddies asked how I knew her. I explained that I have known her mother for about 20 years and quite literally have known her since birth. As it turns out, he was a teacher at her school. This lovely young lass’ mother also had another mutual friend with my brain buddy. Just to throw some more into that mix, my mother in law used to sing with Katie Noonan’s Mum in Queensland Opera.

There has been some spectacular asshattery. Some nubbin ran up some charges on my Dads credit card. He has been dead since July 6th and these charges were on the 29th and 30th of September. No chance of Dad having made some random purchases… and I had also zeroed out his account before these new charges. The bank is being very understanding and as I understand it, will be writing the charges off.

My eldest son was a complete asshat. He called me. Actually rang. We spoke for a while and then he had to go. I caught the bus home things about nice it would be to have all four of our children in contact. I was sad that Dad didn’t get the opportunity to see him again. I was thinking about suggesting that we go and have coffee somewhere the following week, not wanting to make him feel pressured. I was really looking forward to seeing him again. Then I got another phone call from him. Can ‘we’ stay with you? This is the fifth house I’ve been kicked out of. If ‘we’ can’t stay with you we will either be on the street or in a tent in someone’s backyard. We’ve dropped our ‘stuff’ off at Nan’s. I’ve been through my whole contact list.

I said no. I cannot trust him. Needless to say I was shattered that he had phoned just so that he could try and guilt trip me into letting ‘us’ stay here.

I am the Brain Buddy Coffee Queen! I have had three Brisbane coffee meets, the last one was last weekend. This weekend I will be having one in Melbourne and the week after in Sydney. There will be another one of sorts on October 24th on the Sunshine Coast.

I will be flying out on Friday to spend some zone out time with some beautiful fiends in Melbourne for a week. The following week I will be spending the week with some more beautiful friends. I am very lucky to have such generous, understanding and caring friends.

In terms of Brain things, with the stress and mental health issues I have been and am living with at the moment, I have slipped backward with some things. My memory is horrific. If it is not written down I 100% will forget. I can forget what it was before I write it down. If I have made plans for a day and that pattern is interrupted in a good or bad way I will be thrown right off and lose whatever it was I was supposed to be doing. I am stressing about everything. I have to have things nailed down as much as possible or I get really agitated. I was in tears last week, I couldn’t figure out what my back up plan would be in specific circumstances over this trip away. My thinking is very much not straight.

Thanks to Catholic School, I have the world’s most amazing skill and being filled with guilt. So far I have managed to feel guilty about:

  • Going away
  • Going away for the period I am 
  • Abandoning my family
  • Not feeling the appropriate level of grief (antidepressants are working)
  • Enjoying the trip away
  • Spending money
  • Staying with people and being a burden
  • Upsetting other people’s plans
  • Did I mention going away?
  • Doing things I have been planning since I was pre-op
  • Having coffee with brain buddies (I’m not sure how that one works)
  • Going to the Concert in October
  • Generally doing things on my own
  • Not doing the Twilight Bay Run this year
  • Not being as available as I ‘should’ be for my family
  • Not ironing shirts ahead of time (I did 11 yesterday)

Now for some stressing:
What happens if –?

  • My fight is cancelled.
  • My bag is over weight
  • I miss my flight
  • My bag goes missing
  • My camera get damaged
  • I can’t be picked up 
  • I can’t find the people picking me up
  • I have nowhere to stay on Friday night
  • The hotel has lost my booking
  • The café is closed
  • I can’t find my brain buddies
  • I can’t find Al
  • I can’t get to PI
  • I can’t get back from PI
  • Flight stuff #2
  • I have no accommodation for the week
  • I miss the Bridge Climb
  • The Bridge Climb have lost my booking
  • I have the wrong day
  • I miss the coffee meet with the brain buddies
  • I miss dinner with Markham
  • Flight stuff#3
  • I lose my wallet/bags/camera/bookings/tickets
  • I don’t have enough medication
  • I can’t contact anyone
  • I get sick at PI/Sydney/Bridge climb
  • If anything happens to Kim, James, Henry, Casey, Brendan, Claire, Jake
  • Anyone gets offended that I didn’t see them

I will be doing the Sydney Harbour Bridge Climb on this trip to Sydney. I am looking forward to this trip and I hope that I will be able to chill out enough to actually unwind.