3 years 8 months

It is early...... 

Today, October 15^th, is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. Kim and I have experienced this heart breaking situation. Our beautiful little girl Violet would have been 4 years and 8 months old this month. I have imagined what she would look like. Going by our 4 other children she would have been blonde with big blue eyes.  

James when he was about 4

 This is going to sound really odd and perhaps heartless. In the end it was probably for the best. I was very sick with my brain tumour and getting worse. There are a number of different ways this could have played out.

1. I stayed on the medication and she was seriously affected. It would be heart breaking but we would do what we could.
2. I came off medication and neither of us survived. Kim would have lost his wife and his daughter. He would have a teenaged boy without a mother and missing a sister.
3. I came off medication and I didn’t survive. Kim would have a baby daughter and a teenaged son without a mother and he would be without his wife.
4. We both survived and I then went on to have brain surgery leaving Kim with an 11 month old daughter to care for while I recovered.
5. We both survived and I then went on to have brain surgery and didn’t survive it, leaving Kim with an 11 month old daughter etc.
6. We both survived and I then went on to have brain surgery and was profoundly brain damaged, leaving Kim with all of us to look after.

We would have done whatever it took and given it our very best. That was taken out of our hands. We now have each other and our family and miss our little girl.

Thank you Kim Sinclair

I am battling depression. A number of events have caused a knock on effect leaving me in my current state. Depression is an ugly beast and has a massive effect. I am having an awful lot of trouble trying to find the motivation to do much. I am getting things done but it is very much an uphill battle. I was going to head over to Dads house and start scanning slides, negatives, historical family paperwork and photographs. It is something I am looking forward to. I hope that I can possibly put some more pieces together and remember some more of my history. I want to wade through that richness, life and history documented there. I can’t seem to get myself over there. I plan it all out, I will get there early and work my way through while I shred that mountain of paperwork that was left to be done after our clean-up of the filing cabinet. I can sit around doing that, grab the mail, pay any bills, stop for lunch and then keep going til the last bus or alternately walk home. So far I have managed to get up late. I have sat around in my pyjamas. I have found any number of reasons not to go and do it.

Along with that, I am looking at the courses I am doing at the moment and either putting them off or thinking about bailing on them altogether. It feels like it is too big, too hard and I am not smart enough to understand what I am doing. Depression really rips your self-confidence to shreds and takes the wind out of your sails. I am feeling like I have slipped backwards a long way in my recovery. I probably haven’t even a little tiny bit, but I feel like I have. Basically it sucks and it hurts.

I went through a step by step illustrated explanation of the things that were done during my surgery (and now can’t find it). It started with being hooked up to the respirator and ended with being sent to recovery. It was a real eye opener. I’m pretty sure you won’t want me to go in to graphic detail. It does however explain a lot of things that confused me. I had a couple of sore spots on the back of my head, a black sharpie mark in my hair line in the middle of my forehead and a bit of a dent further down from there. Turns out it was from this awesome device. It looks like it has come out of a torture room. It is called a three-pin Mayfield skull clamp.

Along with this nifty gadget and it’s after effects. I now know why I have a section of nerves on my scalp which feel like that creeping gooseflesh feeling. They are so ‘jangly’ that sometimes my hair moving in a breeze or touching my head in that area will feel hideous. When Kim was shaving my head (with the razor) it felt like that part of my head was badly bruised and that he was cutting my skin.

I was about to apologise for being so miserable with this post. Truth is, life isn’t always fun and games. I have an awful lot to be thankful for, I’m just in a really sucky place at the moment.

Be kind to each other.

Grand Adventure Part 6 Day 8

A quiet morning of lazing around generally being sloth like. Then packing upt of the gear and headed to the airport. Said goodbye to Rick and Loni and then popped on my plane for home

Kim and James scared the bejebus out of me at the airport. Gee I missed them... Then off to Grill'd for dinner before heading home. A little bit of gift exchanging, mail opening and chatting. Now it is past my bedtime. We are well into pumpkin o'clock.

This is the end of the Grand Adventure. There will be another smaller one in November!

Grand Adventure Part 6 Day 7

Started out with a beautiful breakfast at Three Rosettas. George and his family are wonderful!

The rest of the day was spent on the couch and packing things up a bit. I head home tomorrow night.

I am very much looking forward to being with my boys and catching up with all the 'Mummy Cuddles' James has been missing. I'll be planning my return trip to Melbourne for BioMed Link 2014 in November.

Tomorrow is the last day of this adventure. I hope you have enjoyed it, I certainly have.

Grand Adventure Part 6 Day 6

I frocked up.

Yes really I frocked up. that wasn't and auto correct. I wore a frock. I bought a beautiful new frock before I headed to Melbourne and wore it for the first time When Al and Steve picked me up from the hotel. I fell in love with it when I walked into the shop and tried it on. It was a little large but it was the smallest they had (NOT a size 8). I talked myself into buying even though I don't normally 'do' dresses. I took it in a bit to fix the sizing issue. Anyway it has become known as the dress. I wore it today!

I met with the lovely Paul Snedden for lunch and talked so much I kept forgetting to eat. I then hung out in Hyde Park for a while until I saw Markham Lane and spent some time with him. After that. I jumped on a train to go and have dinner with Loni, Rick and another friend.

This may seem a little insignificant however the thing to remember here is that I have to have things planned out and my transport known inside out or I panic. I managed the ferry, a bus and two unexpected train trips without wigging out. I am mighty proud of myself for that achievement all by itself. For me it is a pretty big deal.

Fast forward to this evening where I read a post on a Uni forum asking if anyone in the biomed programme knew a beautiful model who has recently been to The Oscars and the Golden Globes. She studies at Griffith. She was in a bunch of my courses last semester and it a truly lovely woman. So I guess that not only have I had a brush with fame, I have studied chatted with and hugged it.

Image borrowed from news article

http://www.couriermail.com.au/questnews/west/brisbane-model-tells-tales-from-oscars/story-fn8m0u4y-1226590124937

Grand Adventure Part 6 Day 5

Having had my plans go a little sideways, I got some washing done and sent off some mail. I decided to head in to the rocks and have a wander around.

In the ferry on the way to Circular Quay I decided I would do the pylon 'climb'. I walked to the first pylon on the Sydney Harbour Bridge and climbed the 200 stairs to the top. From there you have a pretty good view of everything. I took some pictures (on my phone) of the bridge and the bridge climb area. I went back down the 200 stairs and walked across the bridge to the second pylon, turned around and walked back to Circular Quay.

There are a number of things I have seen in Sydney that I find a little disturbing. 10-12 Police cars along George Street. 12 Security guards on the bridge. Last but not least, the security seal tape on every possible opening on the ferry.

Tomorrow sees a lunch with Paul Snedden and I believe I may wear a frock. Yes, I own one. Yes, I brought it with me. Al loves it.

Grand Adventure Part 6, Day 4

Today was pretty quiet. Just elfing and pondering and arranging the rest of my week. I was going to upload some footage onto YouTube but haven't managed to do that yet. When I do I will post it.

I spent some time today recovering from the climb. My feet were a bit sore :)

I made dinner for Rick and Loni. Chicken breasts wrapped in bacon with swiss cheese melted on top, baby capsicum stuffed with havarti cheese and a salad:

4 types of greenery
Snow peas
Avocado
Cherry tomatoes
3 different colours capsicum

Grand Adventure Part 6 Day 3

I have been very lazy and not posted yesterdays update. Mostly because I was exhausted and didn't get in until after 10.

I had a pretty quiet and restful morning. In the afternoon I headed in to the city and wandered around for a few hours before heading off to the Sydney Harbour Bridge Climb. It was very very very hot. So hot in fact that we had to strip off and just ear our undies under the climb suits. It was 32 degrees at the top of the bridge at 5 in the afternoon/evening.

Our group of 14 headed out onto and up the Bridge at 5pm. we did the climb stopping every so often to look at the amazing view. Our guide Daniel was fabulous with his humour and his information about the bridge and various parts of Sydney (some of it not so politically correct) It was crazy windy as we reached the summit. The young girl in front of me looked like she was about to blow away! After the incredible experience we returned to the base at about 8:45. It was a big evening with some lovely people and an indescribably awesome experience

I wandered back 'home' and got in a bit after 10. Time for sleeps