Saturday, May 17, 2014

3 years 3 months

Since the last episode…

I have had the great opportunity to meet and spend some time with other brain tumour survivors and their families. We had a lovely afternoon chatting over coffee. One pre op, two post op. I'm one of the post op the other is only 5 months out but doing really well in his recovery.

I have three exams and an assignment coming up. I am thrilled no end. It is that end of semester when the melt downs happen and the “why am I even doing this” and “I am not smart enough for this” come out of the cupboard. So far I have managed to push through. That isn't to say I haven’t hit any other those bottoms, more that I have found ways to have some rational ‘self talk’.

I have had much experience with Jerks this month. Two on the bus yesterday morning who thought F and C were both adjectives and punctuation marks. There is nothing quite like an hour of that to start your morning. To which I responded

Dear Jerks of the world,
Particularly the two jerks in the back of my bus yesterday morning. F**K and C**T are not adjectives or for punctuation. None of the little old ladies (or men ) or the mothers with their young children needed to hear that.
 I had the rare privilege of spending an hour listening to the tales of your criminal and sexual exploits.I spent much of that time considering how to approach you without risking being clobbered. Unfortunately I couldn't think of a way to do it and so spent part of the journey feeling guilty for being one of those people who don't act.
 I hope that there isn't a next time however, should it happen again, I will not be sitting there on my bum doing nothing.

The other was one of those middle of the shopping centre selling beauty products sales men. This was my response

Dear Mr 'I'm selling seriously over priced 'beauty' products',
Do I somehow give you the impression by my appearance that I care about beauty products? Why do you think you can suddenly convince me to buy your stuff and have a beauty regime? How in the name of all that is holy (and unholy) do you think you can sell this junk when I can smell your nausea inducing breath at fifty paces?
Beauty is something you cannot buy. You wear your beauty in your personality and soul. I do not wear make up, I do not hide the lines, I do not hide the scars or dye my hair. I embrace life and the privileged it is to have had one as long as it has been to this point and any point beyond this. Life is beautiful as is ageing.
Tear off the masks and be yourself, or keep them if that is yourself.

I am living with my Dad three days a week now. He has reached a point where many things are difficult for him, cleaning, cooking, showering etc. It takes an hour for him to get a shirt and pair of pants on some days. It can be pretty depressing and heartbreaking. I am watching him slowly fade away and suffocate to death. He has lots insane amounts of weight and his breathing is not improving in spite of antibiotics for super bugs. Though I do get to spend time with him and listen to him talking about his life when he was young before and after Mum. He also brings up his concerns about after he is gone, what he wants done when he goes and all those other necessary but morbid subjects. I had these same conversations with my Mum before she passed away and I have had most of those with my husband before my surgery.

Retired photographer, can you tell?

This last week I had another of those ‘isolated episodes’ which of course makes them no longer isolated. This time I was in my doctor’s surgery and got to spend about 3 hours in the back room with the nurse and the doctor popping in to check on me. She came in at the end of her shift and told me I should go to the emergency room. I was apparently sweating. My head was killing me, I wanted to vomit and my right arm was having a tremble. It was similar to the last episode but not as pronounced. I talked her out of the hospital trip. She did however record that she “Strongly advised me to go to the hospital”. I have had a headache and nausea since then but nothing hospital worthy and the arm thing settled down after I got home.

Olav has tagged me in the Five day quest so that is keeping me entertained.  I am still doing my 365 macro project though I have had to play catch up a few times now.

I hope you are all well happy and enjoying life!