Thursday, November 8, 2012

Lost/forgotten Words Pre-surgery

I was digging around for a note book for my sister in law to write her dreams in. I knew I had at least one spare as I kept buying them when I was living with my brain tumour and filling only a single page or not writing in them at all. I found one and flipped through it to make sure there was nothing in it. I handed it to her and she found the first two pages had been filled. I pulled them out and gave the book back to her. I decided I really should have a look through the others to see if there was anything in them.

This was written on the pages in the book I gave to my sister in law.

“I break tradition, sometimes my tries are outside the lines. I don’t “fit” in the lines. I'm not a typical anything. Not vanilla. I dance to my own drum. I'm like but not like. I fit but don’t fit.

I can be one of the boys or I can be a “lady”. Stockings heels and a dress or pull apart a motorbike. And then… sing! Take photographs, sew, embroider, create jewellery, knit chain mail, build website graphics, and write lyrics, articles, edit newsletters.

Or patch a grazed knee, soothe a burnt finger, kiss a sore elbow, mend a broken heart, nurse flu. Home school, help with homework, last minute projects, speeches, posters.

I can wash, iron, fold and sort. Organise a feast, a festival, a workshop, a picnic, a birthday party, a BBQ, and a holiday overseas.

Can I think of anything witty to write in this book? Can I pull some thought out that will change my life or the lives of those around me? I guess that is a secret that only time will disclose.

I resolve to find a better pen!”
(My pen had run out half way through and I had written the rest in pencil)

I found another book with a page or so written in it very neatly in pencil.

“Thank you
Thank you to all the people who have been a part of my life, for minutes, days, weeks, months or years. You have all influenced and shaped my life, as we all do, in positive and negative ways. To list each person individually and how they have shaped my life would take as long as my life has been to this point.

We start with my beginning and my parents. Parents are amazing! We don’t appreciate them enough until we become parents ourselves…”

I found two more books I had written in post op. One was quite full with daily writing from 23 September 2011 to 6 November 2011. Don’t worry I'm not posting all that here! The other book contains what was my early attempt at writing “my story”

“A Journey to the Centre of My Brain

Almost eight years ago, my brain grew and extra piece. I didn't know it at the time. I walked down to the local school to pick up the boys as usual. When I got to the school my head felt like it had exploded. I suddenly had the worst headache of my life. This was worse than any migraine I had ever had and I knew there was no way I could walk home…”

I vaguely remember stopping here because at the time I wrote it I could not fit all the pieces together or get things in a chronological order. I still have difficulty with that. My ability to determine how long ago something was is a bit broken. I don’t know if an event occurred yesterday, last week, last month or last year. I have photos that help me nail some things down, and notes, but mostly I just accept that unless it was really important to remember, chances are that I won’t.

I have a new book to write in, sent to me by the lovely Georgia Winter. Once I have decided what I will write in it I will start, and continue until I have filled it. May be it will be my journey through life with a brain tumour and the recovery or perhaps something completely different. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.