Sunday, February 24, 2013

I remembered!

One of the things I was going to write about in my 2 year anniversary post was something that has always confused me.

I have had people telling me I am inspirational, amazing, brave etc etc... thing is I don't get it. I just don't understand why they think that or say that. There are plenty of people out in the world that I consider to be inspirational however in the scheme of things I don't rate up there.
 I'm not trying to sound conceited. I honestly don't understand it. I am embarrassed by it and feel like a fraud.

I think Lynda nailed it on the head at dawn on my 2 year anniversary. I don't see it the way everyone does because I had lived with that thing in my head for 8 years, never quite sure if I'd see the next day. It is one of those things where, you don't have control of it so you just get on with life. There isn't really anything else TO do. You get on and do as many of the "normal" things you can, and sometimes push to do the things you can't. I know that I felt incredibly guilty for the impact my illness had on my family and there were more than a few times where I sucked it up and did things that I probably should have simply not tried. I would try and put a brave face on it. Go out with my husband and my children as long as I cold stand it and then come home and fall in a heap. I sucked it up and helped to look after my parents when my father was ill and my mother fighting lung cancer. Sat with them at the hospital as she slipped away. Brought my dad home with me, planned my mothers funeral, made sure dad was ok and kept him with us for 18 months til he felt he could purchase and move in to his own home.

None of these things are, in my eyes, incredible or inspirational. It is just what a person does in those situations.

I did some equally stupid things when I got home. I decided I needed to vacuum the floors and under the beds. I would have been 3 to 4 weeks post op. I knew I couldn't bend over so I got smart and decided to sit on the floor and lean sideways a bit to see what I was doing while I vacuumed under the bed. My greatest error in that brilliant plan was leaning over to see under the bed and knocking my burr hole right on the corner of the bedside table.

As far as I am concerned I am just like everyone else. We all have challenges in life to overcome. We do our best to overcome them and move on. I would think that anyone in my situation would have done the same kinds of things.

There is my little insight for now.