Two years 7 months has passed since I had that hole drilled
in my skull, poked into my brain to the middle, tumour removed, big bleed and
survived the whole thing and was discharged within 24 hours. That’s kind of a
big deal.
Again, I’d like to thank all of you who have taken the time
to wipe my tears, and listen to my rants over the last few weeks. Especially
HUGE thank you to my wonderful husband +Kim Robertson for helping me through it especially
coming and backing me up yesterday.
I have realised over the last few weeks that brain surgery
and brain tumours are a big deal. Well I already knew that part. I have
realised that the big deal also applies to me. I had a tumour trying its best
to knock me off and brain surgery which saved my life. I know you are probably
reading this and thinking “how can you not have figured that out?” Fact is it
hadn’t really sunk in properly until now.
So what was it that kicked off this spark of understanding?
I had a bit of a “wobbly” at school. It scared me half to death and I didn’t
know what to do. Should I sit there and hope it would stop/go away? Should I
leave early and catch the bus home? What if something happened on the bus?
Should I catch a taxi home? What if something happened while I was at home on
my own? What if it was a really bad something? Is it fair for Mr 16 to come
home to something awful? Should I ask one of my teachers to call an ambulance?
What if it was just a random nothing?
Where did all this come from? For eight years I suffered
such extreme pain that I was taken to the hospital vomiting and barely comprehensible.
The ER staff would treat me like I was either faking it or seeking drugs. After
a while I just stopped going, when you get blown off with “take some
paracetamol and go home” it really doesn’t inspire you to go back no matter how
healthy, or more to the point unhealthy, you feel.
So I have avoided hospitals and ambulance trips like the
plague even since surgery. After repeated conversations with certain family
members and a friend who is an ER nurse, I FINALLY got it. Brain
surgery/tumours are a really big deal. If there is something going on with your
head you can’t afford to mess about with it, it may just kill you. If there is
ANY brain weirdness… call an ambulance, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
They WILL treat you seriously, VERY seriously. If it turns out to be nothing
YAY and they won’t mind at all. If it turns out to be a something, chances are
that you got it early enough to do something about it. I now understand. I have
promised to go to the hospital if I need to!
Part of the funk I have been in is that I have not had my
camera with me and been taking photos daily for the last eight months. It’s
like suffocating really. I have lost inspiration and am slowly getting it back.
Yesterday I discovered that my favourite lens has died. It has had a good 3+
years of solid daily use so I guess it has put in a good lot of work. I was
however quite disappointing.
I have had to face up to and accept that I do have an
acquired brain injury. I do occasionally need help and it is ok to ask for it.
I did that earlier this term at school when my vision failed. I saw the
disability officer and we found a solution to work around the problem. I now
have my fabulous new glasses and a few other bits so I can see now. The vision
failing is part of the brain injury. The path the surgery took through my brain
has damaged the part that switches off the signal from the eye with the damage.
Consequently they fight for focus constantly.
I have had a doubt of depression through this. I had a
meltdown one afternoon after a lot of tiny things had gone wrong (ABI again) I
cried my heart out all afternoon and watched myself spiral really quickly down
into that pit of despair. I have found some things at school this term
challenging. One thing was lack of feedback. If I have done something
incorrectly I need feedback so I can do it correctly next time. I have also had
a difficult teacher. This all reached a head last week and I was going to go
and quit my last term. I felt like I had no right to be there and that I was
just reaching too high.
Pity party over. I am going to continue to do what I need to
in order to get where I want to be doing what I want to do. It may take longer
than I had planned, I may need to rearrange things so that I have some more
time for my brain to have time out, but I’ll give it my best shot. At the end
of the day, if I don’t get there, I know that I have given it my best and will
have other options open to me.
Last month we headed to Sydney for the Colo(u)r Run which
was raising funds for the Cure for Life Foundation. This month, this weekend in
fact, I am flying to Melbourne for the week. While I am there, my beautiful
friend +Charles Strebor will be having his beard dyed purple as he reached his
$1000 goal fund raising for Cure for Life. I am looking forward to spending
time with +Al Christensen and meeting the amazing Melbourne Gplusers. I will definitely
get my inspiration back hanging out with them. In fact, I have my own Melbourne
photowalk! I’m feeling mighty special J
I hope you are all well and Happy
Julia
I hope you are all well and Happy
Julia
P.S. Things get better; sometimes it is just a perspective
issue.
