3 years 6 months

Last post I left you with a wall of text. This one not so much

So I’m 3 and a half years post op, so far, so good.  There have been some hurdles, bumps in the road and a bit of cha-cha (two steps forward one step back).

When my Mother passed away I knew it was coming. She had lung cancer; there is as yet no cure so it was ‘expected’.  My Fathers death has affected me far more than I thought it would.  I knew that he probably would not make it through this winter. Living with him three days a week made it more and more apparent. I was aware it was a very real possibility but I was not prepared for him to go so suddenly and certainly not the way it happened. 

Thinking about it logically, it makes more sense to me now why it has hit so hard.

In 2007, the year my Mother passed away, I was spending weeks at a time with them taking care of them both. He had a lung infection and she was having chemo, she couldn't afford to get his lung infection and he couldn't do much himself.  It was things like cleaning, cooking, helping my mother shower, drying her and shaving those three hairs on her legs.

When she went to hospital and then slipped into a coma, my youngest brother and I took shifts sitting with Mum and Dad so dad could get some sleep. I sat with Dad and helped him make the decision to let her go and sat holding their hands as she passed. That was 2 weeks before Christmas 2007.

Dad came home from the hospital and lived with us for 18 months. He bought a house after the first year but took six months for him to move into it because he was moving in without Mum. While he was moving in I was helping to unpack boxes. There were ‘landmines’ everywhere. The landmines were mums things. They had sold their house and put everything in storage for when they bought a new house together. Each box was peppered with things that belonged to mum. There are still piles of boxes as yet unopened or half unpacked and put back.

Dad would come around every day. It was for a cup of tea or a trip to the shop. We had ‘family night’ when Dad would come for dinner. If I hadn’t heard from him in 48 hours I would phone him. He would go on trips with one of his brothers which seemed to cheer him up and breathe some new life into him.

Anyway, the point is, he was here every day. I saw him every day. He was a constant in my life. THAT is why it has hit so hard.

I have deferred University until 2015. I cannot think clearly enough to make it through this semester. I would prefer to put it off and do a better job than try to struggle through and mess it all up. I still want to be a part of the research to cure brain tumours. I need to do this. While I am out I will be tackling some independent study to ‘keep my hand (brain) in’.

I took some time out and went to Melbourne for a few days. It helped to be away from things for a while. I will be going back mid (ish) September for a week and then on to Sydney for a week. I have booked in for the Sydney Harbour bridge climb on September 30^th. This will be the second of three bridge climbs I promised myself that I would do.

I have discovered ‘Because I said I would’. I am finding the promise cards to be very helpful and will be filling out more very soon. This is where you can find out more about it and start yourself off. because I said I would These are some of the ones I have filled out so far.

So, at 3 and a half years, I am 2 ½ to 3 years in credit. I am starting to plan my 4 year Brainaversary. Starting the new year of that second chance at life with a dawn photo walk seems to the biggest part of the tradition now. Hooray for a second chance at life.

The Black Dog

Let’s talk about depression.

Depression as defined by ‘Psychology Today’ is ‘an illness that involves the body, mood, and thoughts. It interferes with daily life, normal functioning, and causes pain for both the person with the disorder and those who care about him or her.

A depressive disorder is not the same as a passing blue mood. It is not a sign of personal weakness or a condition that can be willed or wished away. People with a depressive illness cannot merely "pull themselves together" and get better. Without treatment, symptoms can last for weeks, months, or years. Depression is a common but serious illness, and most people who experience it need treatment to get better. Appropriate treatment, however, can help most people who suffer from depression.

Major depression is manifested by a combination of symptoms that interfere with the ability to work, study, sleep, eat, and enjoy once pleasurable activities. Such a disabling episode of depression may occur only once but more commonly occurs several times in a lifetime.
Symptoms can include

• Persistent sad, anxious, or empty mood
• Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
• Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
• Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down"
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
• Insomnia, early morning awakening or oversleeping
• Appetite and/or weight loss, or overeating and weight gain
• Thoughts of death or suicide, suicide attempts
• Restlessness, irritability
• Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders and chronic pain’

The black dog and I are not new to each other. I lived with depression through my teenage years and then in my 20’s developed an anxiety disorder to go with that as well as agorophobia. At one point during my 20’s I was suicidal and had a complete nervous breakdown. Largely All I know of that particular event is what I have been told. I had a suicide attempt which obviously failed, I was grey and they couldn’t find my blood pressure and were having a hard time finding a pulse. I should not have been conscious but I was talking to the emergency staff quite coherently. I became a guest of the local psych ward until they could sort out what was going on.

By the time I was diagnosed with my brain tumour I had been on antidepressants for 5 years. I was weaned off them in the 12 months after my brain mate made itself known.  

Fast forward to 2011

I have not been on antidepressants for 10 years. When I came home from brain surgery I had been told I would be put on antidepressants if I showed the appropriate signs of ABI. That concept terrified me so I hid the terror I was experiencing as much as I could.

Fast forward to July 2014

On Monday I came home from Uni and I was ok. All of a sudden I broke down. Everything was too hard to comprehend, cope with, make sense of, understand, and feel.  I was sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn’t find and upside to anything. I have been trying to be positive about things in my life that bring me joy but I just don’t have it in me anymore. I have withdrawn from all forms of social media.

This isn’t just about grieving.  I have been allowing myself the space to do that.

I don’t know what I want to do.

• Do I defer Uni until next year? But then I may/will fall into that sea of depression and not WANT to go back.
• Do I want to continue with Science and head for that brain tumour research?
• Do I go with neuro counselling/psychology?
• Do I try something else like business or finance?
• Do I go and get a job and give it all away?
• I don’t know what I do and don’t want to do.
• If I just get a job will I ever want to go back to uni?
• If I ditch science will I regret it?
• If I stick with science and find out I just don’t get it enough to do research it is so much more wasted time.
•  It is the same going in any other direction.
• If I am doing something I am not passionate about will I just wither and die inside?

What AM I passionate about?

I feel like everything is impossible. Life will continue to go downhill. Kim won’t find a new job. We will have no car. If Kim’s neck injury prevents him from working how will we cope? I know we wouldn’t make it in any income I could manage to drag in. Let’s face it, I have the current skills but my experience is out of date (Brain tumours kind of suck like that). May be I could get a job at Coles, woollies or Maccas. That isn’t going to help much. Is there really any point at all?

Why did the universe decide to throw us back on to struggle/the world is shitty place to be street? Is this just how things will be forever? Why try?

I don’t have the mental, emotional or physical energy to keep anyone else afloat. I can’t find the words anymore. I can’t find that piece of me that can do that. I have a ‘care’ nerve a million times longer than the circumference of the world and I wish I didn’t and I am glad I do and nothing makes any sense.

Fear not! I am not going to go and try to knock myself off. This brain is a mighty expensive. Today is the first time I have really ‘listened’ to music while awake. I have heard it but not listened to it... there is a difference. ‘Usually’ I have music playing all day. I sing with it, I feel it, breathe it. It is a part of me. I have music playing while I sleep as it soothes me.

Photography leaves me cold. Picking up my camera doesn’t really cross my mind even though it sits next to me on my desk. When I have taken photos (last weekend) I couldn’t get into it. I didn’t have the passion to do it... consequently they pretty much sucked.  Photos that suck do not inspire me to try again for now.

I want crawl into a hole and not come out. I don’t want to crawl into a hole and not come out. I want to be able to share all of this with my friends to help ease the pain. I don’t want to burden them with the pain and brokenness. For now, I cry at/with Kim and I blog when I feel I can.

The only things I have read have been Uni notes and mostly they don’t sink in. I’m flat. I’m a bit (lot) broken. For now that is just how things are.

I have made appointments with my disability officer, my student success advisor, physio, psychologist and GP. 

Yesterday I went to Uni again, different course. I was fine through the lecture. I got out and headed to the assistive technology lab (individual computer room for impaired students) to do some study, I’d booked it for a couple of hours. I went in, the screen said it was loading... and kept saying it was loading…. I rebooted it, go to the same point. If froze again. I went and asked for help at the computer assist desk. Someone came in with me, did the same thing I had done and guess what. It did the same thing again. I was told they would put in a report for repairs. I said that I had booked for another session tomorrow (today) and was told they didn’t know if it would be fixed by then. So, I went outside and burst into tears.

This morning I had to go and have a fasting blood test done. With the right timing I could make it to my 9 am lecture. My lecturer told us yesterday that he did not know if he would be in. I knew I had booked the lab for after the lab as well. So I had a couple of options. #1 Go to uni, have the lecturer be there and the computer running. #2 Go to Uni have the lecturer turn up and the computer still down. #3 Go to Uni have no lecturer and the computer running. #4 Go to Uni have no lecturer and no computer.  #5 Stay home and have a ‘mental health’ day. I’ve opted for #5.  Uncertainty, changes in plans and general disruption are things I can’t seem to manage right now.

I know this is a lot to take in. I know it is a wall of text and most people if not all will just give up trying to read it. If you have made it this far, I thank you for your endurance.

I wish I had something else to tell you. All I have right now is this.

3 years 5 months

I forgot to write this one

Obviously this isn't a "looking back to see how far I have come" post. This is just going to be raw and honest and real. My other posts are raw honest and real, but this one will be emotionally ragged

My father. He had a fall. He was pretty messy when he arrived at the emergency room and it would be 'just a stitch or two, some scans and then back home.

• Then it was 'Stitch, no brain bleed or oedema, but a fractured cheekbone no surgery required'.
• Then ‘No stitch, no brain bleed or oedema, but a fractured cheekbone no surgery required, and a fracture at C4 but they went sure if it was old or new so had to send it off to another hospital to double check'
• Then ‘Fractured cheekbone (no surgery required) NEW fracture at C4 and transfer to another hospital'.
• New hospital 'Fractured cheekbone (no surgery required) fracture at C4 and C6/7 disc pressing on spinal cord'
• Then 'Fractured cheekbone (no surgery required) fracture at C4 and C6/7 disc pressing on spinal cord, two codes, get him off the blood thinners (approx. 10 days) and try to clear up chest infection to perform spinal surgery'.
• Then Fractured cheekbone (no surgery required) fracture at C4 and C6/7 disc pressing on spinal cord, two codes, get him off the blood thinners (approx. 10 days) and try to clear up chest infection to perform spinal surgery OR a chest neck brace until it healed'
• Risk of death during surgery extremely high
• Risk of death after surgery high as he wouldn't be able to cough.

As the days passed he became more confused and couldn't understand what everyone was trying to tell him. Too many people. Too much information.  I explained it to him and explained new information as it came in. I made sure the nurses had on file that I needed to see the doctors who were seeing him so that I could explain to him what was happening.

Saturday night after getting home from a friend's father's funeral, the phone rang. Dad had coded again and they were struggling to get his oxygen levels up. Call Henry and Brendan and get them up there a.s.a.p. We had to make any decisions unanimously so we all had to be there. Dad's oxygen levels had dropped to 72. Even if they could get his oxygen levels up to the high 80's he would have pretty severe brain damage. Do we continue the battle to get those levels up and preserve him for a possible death during surgery? Or do we make him comfortable and let him pass with some amount of peace and dignity with his family around him. We chose to let him go comfortably and peacefully. We all said our goodbyes and told him it was okay to let go.

He got a bit confused, asked for his grandchildren, and then for me, the thing that broke me, He thought I was Mum. I am glad it gave him comfort that He thought she was there with him. It tore my heart out and I broke. I have never collapsed so completely before. I had to walk away from his bed to Kim and then fell apart. I was doubled over and couldn't breathe. Kind of like being winded. Then I had to leave the room. I crying, wept, and hurt so very much.

After I had gotten myself together and hugged everyone. We went and sat with him. I held both of his hands and the boys were there with him too. I don't remember much of the detail there. I felt his heart and breathing slow and stop and watched his face relax as he drifted off. He passed away at 4 am July 6 th 2014.

After that, there were funeral arrangements and all things that go with the passing of a loved one. The passing of time has been for me, and I suspect for other family members, odd at best. I feel like it was yesterday he passed. It wasn't. Yesterday was the funeral. It wasn't.

I am 40, married to the most amazing man, my best friend in the world. We have four children; they each have their quirks and life lessons. I have two brothers who I love dearly. My husband, the man I only have two photos of with my father. Two, in the 19 years we have been together. Just two.

I am carrying a lot of anger for a lot of things. Things past, things to come. Things I had and have no control over.

I had considered quitting University so I could look after my father better. I don't need to now, he is gone. There is no tie to keep us in this house now. I don't need to be so close to my father to care for him. He is gone. Everything has changed.

I am now flung into the great unknown. I guess I knew this was inevitable, I wasn't expecting it now. How to I hold this family together now? How do I stop my brothers and me drifting apart? How do I preserve that family connection, the events that have kept us together? The traditions.

The thing that most brings me to tears is when people say that my mum and dad would be proud of me. I had always hoped they would be. I never felt that I would accomplish anything they would be proud of me for. Not because their standards were too high, mine were.

So, as I sit here writing this, I am weeping. This is my heart. These are the events of the last few weeks. This is the beginning of a new future without my parents in it. At 15 I was terrified they would die and we would be orphaned. At 40, it hurts just as much if not more.

They are together now. That in itself is a comfort.

3 years 4 months

Since the last episode…

I had the great opportunity to meet and spend some time with other brain tumour survivor recently. She is visiting Australia from Holland. It was quite the adventure. We had agreed to meet at a coffee shop at the airport with plenty of time before her flight to Cairns. I arrived at the airport a little early, headed up through security and for the coffee shop. I waited for about an hour and a half and she still hadn’t arrived. I filtered through Facebook to try and find a phone number to call and find out where she as and discovered I didn’t have it and no one else I could contact had it either. In future exchange numbers BEFORE meeting. So in order NOT to miss her, I headed or her departure gate. The lovely ladies at the desk put a call out to ask her to come to the gate ASAP. I wandered around between the gate and security for a few hours. Meanwhile, she was downstairs. She thought I wouldn’t be able to go through security as I wasn’t on a flight. She was in a coffee shop downstairs (I didn’t know there was one downstairs) at the same time I was walking around upstairs looking for her, she was downstairs looking for me! Eventually she came up to wait for her flight departure. We managed to have about 20 minute talking before she had to get on her flight. It was certainly a comedy of errors but well worth it in the end. 

I am writing this in the middle of a study break. I have my first, of two end of semester exams starting tomorrow morning. The last will be on Thursday. I am very much looking forward to the mid-year break. I am about a week behind on my course through University of Glasgow and the one through University of Birmingham starts June 23^rd. I am also looking forward to spending a week in Sydney catching up with Rick and Loni, Alison and maybe Simon. I hope to catch up with Charlie Teo as well (not as a patient) but we’ll see how that works out.

I have been living with my Dad three days a week. He is not well and less able to care for himself. I had to pack him off to the hospital the other week as his breathing trouble had become much worse and he had a fall and couldn’t get up. They discovered he had yet another version of one of the bugs he has had on and off for the last seven years. He had a fall in the hospital and luckily didn’t break bump, bruise or damage anything. He is now home and has started some community care services including having a nurse pop in and check up on him regularly.

I had and am having a bit of a crisis of confidence and am wondering if I am going down the right path at the moment. Part of me is terrified that I will fail miserably and not be able to continue this particular degree. Part of me is telling me that I could have just been so caught up in the post-surgical wish to give others a second chance at life after a brain tumour that I have leaped into the deep end of a very large pond I should not be in. Part of me is saying it is just pre exam nerves and lack of confidence. However it works out, I have taken a course from a different degree as one of my electives for next semester.

The weekend after exams finish I will be meeting up with another survivor. I am very much looking forward to it. It is nice to be able to reach out and exchange stories, experiences and advice with other people who have been or are in the same position.

I am booked in for some more testing on the 25^th. I’d like for it to all go smoothly. I think I have had more than my share of this stuff. It is funny that even this far out I am still having to recover from the post tumour ans post surgery effects. Brain surgery and brain tumours really mess things up more than you could imagine.

Oh and the fundraising campaign for Cure Brain Cancer Foundation will wind up on 30th June. On 14th July I will post a picture showing how much my hair has grown since it was shaved and my head was painted.

Much love from my quite exhausted self

Life is like a box of chocolates

A Bertie Botts every flavour beans kind of box of chocolates. There are the Strawberry ones, the sweet moments that make your heart mushy. The Peanut Brittle ones, for those tough times when you feel like you may just break. The Minty ones, those times where everything is clean and clear. The Sick flavoured ones, self-explanatory. Marshmallow for those times when life is cushy and floaty. Then there are the Onion ones, those are the ones that bring you to your knees and you can't stop the tears.

Hello Onion chocolates! I have had some pretty Peanut Brittle time in my life. There have also been Onion moments. Right now it is Peanut Brittle and Onions..... Quite the combination!

The Peanut Brittle - knowing I have an exam on Saturday, an assignment to do with a topic I loathe the more I look at it and the opportunity to rewrite the previous one, two more exams before the end. My Husband is having some peanut brittle moments with his study as is my Son. It is the Peanut Brittle end of semester.

The Onion - Living with my father three days a week. He is shrinking away before my eyes. He finds breathing more and more difficult. Some days are better than others. I have some people ask me why his doctor is bothering to do anything to keep him going and my own doctor offering to write him prescriptions for opiates to make things more comfortable for him. Don't get me wrong, he isn't about to drop off the planet tomorrow, but then there is a possibility he might.

I have managed to get him to stop taking his insulin (was backed up by him diabetic care team yesterday). His BGL was getting far too low. It is better now, I don't have to worry so much about him dropping off quietly into a coma or dying in his sleep. I bought him a wheel chair some months ago so that he can go out with family or friends on days he isn't breathing so well. I have been looking at shower chairs as he is finding it more and more difficult to dry himself after showering. I think we have come up with an alternate solution, getting a chair for the bathroom so that he can sit after the shower and dry himself. Today were going to look at a bunch of wheelie walkers to see if we could find one that works for him so he could regain some independence and have somewhere to sit if he runs out of breath part way through a shop etc. We didn't make it there today, next time if/when we do, and he can hire to see if whatever he likes will work for him.

Last week I had to send him to bead each night. One of those nights he woke up at 1 and wasn't really awake but was not feeling 'right'. I took his temp, tucked the blankets in around his back and settled him down and he went back off to sleep. On the weekend I had to help him put his jacket on and thread his belt through the belt loops on his jeans. Last night I had to send him to bed. When he got there he couldn't get the last three buttons on his shirt undone, he couldn't get the bottom on his jeans undone either. So, we got the shirt and the jeans off, got the pyjama shirt on but couldn't manage the buttons, there he tried putting both legs on one leg of his PJ pants. Got him sorted out, lifted his legs into bed tucked him in and turned out the light. I left the bedroom doors open 'just in case'. I spent the next hour lying in bed listening to him moan in pain in his sleep.

Onion chocolates suck. I had a little cry as I went to sleep. Today, as I mentioned earlier, was a bad day for him. Tonight I came home to my own home, he didn't really want me to go, and I've had quite a bit of a cry (Including writing this). I came home to a beautiful, thoughtful and unexpected gift from my very dear friends on Flinders Island. I also received the tickets I bought for the three of us and Dad to see a show at the end of the month.

It has been a hard week. I have a full day of University tomorrow and another on Friday so I can study AND go to lectures. Saturday is exam day. Sometimes I feel like I would like to throw my hands in the air and run away.

I am glad that some of Dad’s family have started visiting him and or calling him. It brightens him up.

3 years 3 months

Since the last episode…

I have had the great opportunity to meet and spend some time with other brain tumour survivors and their families. We had a lovely afternoon chatting over coffee. One pre op, two post op. I'm one of the post op the other is only 5 months out but doing really well in his recovery.

I have three exams and an assignment coming up. I am thrilled no end. It is that end of semester when the melt downs happen and the “why am I even doing this” and “I am not smart enough for this” come out of the cupboard. So far I have managed to push through. That isn't to say I haven’t hit any other those bottoms, more that I have found ways to have some rational ‘self talk’.

I have had much experience with Jerks this month. Two on the bus yesterday morning who thought F and C were both adjectives and punctuation marks. There is nothing quite like an hour of that to start your morning. To which I responded

Dear Jerks of the world,
Particularly the two jerks in the back of my bus yesterday morning. F**K and C**T are not adjectives or for punctuation. None of the little old ladies (or men ) or the mothers with their young children needed to hear that.
 I had the rare privilege of spending an hour listening to the tales of your criminal and sexual exploits.I spent much of that time considering how to approach you without risking being clobbered. Unfortunately I couldn't think of a way to do it and so spent part of the journey feeling guilty for being one of those people who don't act.
 I hope that there isn't a next time however, should it happen again, I will not be sitting there on my bum doing nothing.
 Love
Me

The other was one of those middle of the shopping centre selling beauty products sales men. This was my response

Dear Mr 'I'm selling seriously over priced 'beauty' products',
Do I somehow give you the impression by my appearance that I care about beauty products? Why do you think you can suddenly convince me to buy your stuff and have a beauty regime? How in the name of all that is holy (and unholy) do you think you can sell this junk when I can smell your nausea inducing breath at fifty paces?
Beauty is something you cannot buy. You wear your beauty in your personality and soul. I do not wear make up, I do not hide the lines, I do not hide the scars or dye my hair. I embrace life and the privileged it is to have had one as long as it has been to this point and any point beyond this. Life is beautiful as is ageing.
Tear off the masks and be yourself, or keep them if that is yourself.

I am living with my Dad three days a week now. He has reached a point where many things are difficult for him, cleaning, cooking, showering etc. It takes an hour for him to get a shirt and pair of pants on some days. It can be pretty depressing and heartbreaking. I am watching him slowly fade away and suffocate to death. He has lots insane amounts of weight and his breathing is not improving in spite of antibiotics for super bugs. Though I do get to spend time with him and listen to him talking about his life when he was young before and after Mum. He also brings up his concerns about after he is gone, what he wants done when he goes and all those other necessary but morbid subjects. I had these same conversations with my Mum before she passed away and I have had most of those with my husband before my surgery.

Retired photographer, can you tell?

This last week I had another of those ‘isolated episodes’ which of course makes them no longer isolated. This time I was in my doctor’s surgery and got to spend about 3 hours in the back room with the nurse and the doctor popping in to check on me. She came in at the end of her shift and told me I should go to the emergency room. I was apparently sweating. My head was killing me, I wanted to vomit and my right arm was having a tremble. It was similar to the last episode but not as pronounced. I talked her out of the hospital trip. She did however record that she “Strongly advised me to go to the hospital”. I have had a headache and nausea since then but nothing hospital worthy and the arm thing settled down after I got home.

Olav has tagged me in the Five day quest so that is keeping me entertained.  I am still doing my 365 macro project though I have had to play catch up a few times now.

I hope you are all well happy and enjoying life!

3 years 2 months.......... WAY late

It seems my ability to track time has still not improved!

Quick update for this last month.

On April 2nd I was taken from campus to the QEII hospital with a neurological event. It was a bit special. I couldn’t write. Nothing I wrote down was actually what I was trying to write. I couldn’t think enough to make decisions; I had a MASSIVE headache and was shaking. My right arm was shaking pretty violently. I spent 7 hours in the acute care unit in the emergency department had a brain scan and bloods done. Brain scan was fine (YAY). I was allowed to go home after they finished the last bag of medication (4 hours for one bag).

I was then unable to attend University for a few days. I missed an exam and had to have it deferred. When I did return I received a ruling that I would no longer be able to attend chemistry labs as I was perceived to be an OHS risk. I was still quite unwell when I returned. I sat the original exam and bombed out pretty spectacularly in spite of application for special circumstances. I had to defer a different exam because I missed three crucial lectures.

I went to see my GP who called in sick. I ended up seeing another doctor who told me that I really should have taken all that til 17th off Uni. So it has been a bit crappy. I’ve had a headache since my trip to the hospital which varies in intensity. No one seems to know exactly what happened. It has been written up as “Atypical Migraine”, medical speak for ‘we have no idea but it hurt a lot’.

I have decided to drop chemistry til next year. I will have more time to work with disability services to make better arrangements for my labs; it will take some of the stress off. Taking four subjects this semester was overambitious.

I have continued with my macro project. I hit a pretty low point and was struggling to find a reason to pick up the camera at all. I gave myself a good solid boot in the backside and reminded myself that if I change my outlook and see all the things I HAVE achieved and the absolute bonuses of my life at this point instead of wading in the mire of self-doubt and misery, those things are really pretty awesome by comparison. I still have my down days and some of those days I will cycle really quickly between up and really down, but I am human just like everyone else.

I am currently on mid semester break and taking advantage of the time off. I am also allowing myself to have more pyjama days to try and drop some of that stress off.

I hope you are all well, as happy as you can be and at the very least making it through okay ♥